***DISCLAIMER - The views in the post are strictly MY opinion, MY feelings and real human emotions. They are NOT meant to offend anyone or past judgement on any group of people...Thank you!****
What a way to start a blog post right? Well just keep reading and you will see why I had to start it this way!
This post is going to be a little different, maybe a little longer but I pray it's worth your time. I have been dreaming about writing this post for some time now, but wasn't sure if the time was right. It still may not be but I need to get this out! At this point you are probably like "GET TO IT ALREADY". I will, I will! Be patient with me...a juicy disclaimer is great bait right, lol.
These past few weeks have been very difficult and different for me, I have experienced emotions that I have never experienced yet God has kept me in His strength and peace of mind. This all seemed so much easier in my mind, and it flowed much better too...I feel like I am about to reveal some deep dark confession but it's not that huge and you may not be that interested after you find out, but we shall see...I'm nervous....really nervous...but here goes.
Well...a few weeks ago I got some news that I was NOT prepared for, NOT wanting nor expecting. I felt like my world was ending to be quite honest...I was devastated, hurt, mad at God...just everything. How could this happen to me?? AGAIN!! I asked WHY numerous times, God was silent but spoke through friends to let me know it was OK, and part of His plan for our life...yeah yeah yeah. Wasn't trying to hear that to be honest.
For whatever reason ( I know this sounds bland) God has decided to bless us with another child...I know at this point you probably want to slap me for all the things I just said, but believe me I said much much worse. That was mild to be honest.
So I will be a mother of 4....
I'm letting that sink in as I type, lol. I KNOW children are a blessing, I KNOW how many women would love to be in my position, but at the time I didn't want to be in it. I felt so bad after I found out, like how could I let this happen? Like I had to offer God an explanation, my family...because things are tight, we already have 3, I don't work...and the list goes on. How could we be so irresponsible??!!...I was ashamed, and I honestly felt like everyone was going to be sooooo mad at us and think we were foolish! I can't tell you the number of times I PRAYED for God to close my womb....seriously....we took precautions but it only takes once and God said BAM! I can't tell you the number of times during the sick moments that I have felt NO attachment to this baby. I won't even say the things I thought and said when I found out, I am ashamed or was because I know God has forgiven me. At this point, it's about taking it one day at a time. Getting through my days without getting sick, finding what I can and cannot eat and praying my blood pressure stays low. Guess I should stop worrying huh?? And for the record our family was so supportive of us but I have to learn that even if they weren't God is in control and has the final say.
During one of my low moments God reminded me of an event that took place two years ago after our sweet little Kalena was born...and it started to make a little sense. Talk about revelation...
After Kalena was born Mark and I decided that we were done, 3 was good and pretty manageable....she snuck up on us but it was all good and we were content. I decided to have my tubes tied, with my husbands consent. I scheduled to have it done a few weeks after she was born because the delivering hospital didn't allow them. This is where that disclaimer will come in but remember these are my thoughts and not meant to offend anyone. I arrive to have the procedure done and I feel BAD, it feels wrong, but I know this is the right choice for my family. I mean we have 3, anymore would be crazy right? So I fill out my papers and head to the back. I honestly feel like I am signing my life away, I feel like I am getting ready to have an abortion...real talk. But again I ignore that and continue on. My prep nurse was so sweet and really understanding but as she talks she wants to make sure I am sure...she's trying to convince me not to do it. God had blessed her and her husband with 5 children and He provided for all of them...after that she had no more. She let God decide when it was done...yeah yeah good for her...I DON"T want anymore. My recovery from Kalena was not great and I DIDN'T want to do it again! I told her that yes God was a great provider but I couldn't take that chance with my family. She just smiled and said "I understand". I get prepped and while laying on the bed waiting to go back I start feeling worse...Mark is there and he can see the fear in my eyes and hear the doubt in my voice and he says "Bae you don't have to do this"...I'm convinced I do. We can't afford anymore surprises...and at this time I was working! He even offered to have a procedure done. Nope, now is the time, it's no turning back. Well I listen to other patients around me and I start feeling like I want to run away, like I was about to betray God...had I even asked Him what He thought? Nope, it was my body and my decision.
What do I do? Or better yet, what don't I do? Well obviously I couldn't go through with it, God was tugging on my heart to not do it. My husband calls the nurse over and says "My wife has changed her mind, please unhook her from everything", she just smiles, I guess her prayers were answered.. :-). My doctor comes in and says he is so happy for me, of course he would love to deliver another baby but I'm not trying to hear that either, lol. So we leave....I am relieved but scared. Mark's just happy that we left in time to have the Pizza Hut lunch buffet! LOL
So here we are 2 almost 3 years later, and I see now why I felt so bad. Now this is not an argument on birth control methods or anything like that....everyone has their own personal convictions. Believe me this time there is no turning back!! This delivering hospital does allow them, and I will take advantage of that! But for that time, God knew...He always knows...I couldn't do it, because for whatever reason He was not done using me and my husband.
All of my reasons for not wanting more seem so selfish now. Part of the reason I was so hurt was because Kalena JUST got potty trained, she's ready to go to school, she's a big girl now! It was about to be smooth sailing you know. What's funny is I noticed she was moving so fast and I had a quick thought that she's moving awfully fast, you know what people say...moving out of the way for the next one. I QUICKLY dismissed that and scolded myself. I even tried to go back to work with no avail...and I mean just part time...nope. Here I am with a degree, lots of experience and I can't even get a part time job! God knew...
He knew I would be sick for a few weeks and barely able to function, He knew that I couldn't handle two small babies so He allowed my little one to "grow up" a bit first so I wouldn't have two in diapers, He allowed my 14 year old and 9 year old to mature and become responsible little helpers. He knew...
He used my daughter to encourage me and get my head back on straight (somewhat). I was so hurt and had been crying the whole day I found out (I know I know). I tried to hide it but I couldn't. She asked me why was I so mad about it..I told her all my reasons.....she just looked at me. One of the main reasons was I was worried what other people would think! Yes....I was. She basically said " Mama you are 35 years old and MARRIED" Why are worried what people will think? Don't you tell me not to worry about what people think? You act like you are teen mother that has been abandoned by everyone she knows, you are a good mama and everything will be OK" WOW! All I could do was smile through my tears....
HE KNEW! All I can ask now is that you guys pray for us...Pray mostly for God's will to be done during this pregnancy! Pray for the doctor visits because I had to get a new doctor due to insurance reasons and I am a little nervous about that, that I start feeling better, pray for our finances...I know God will provide. He always has and He always will.
I HAVE to remember God's Got This! :-)