It's been awhile...things have changed since the last post. Turned 37 a few weeks ago. Thank God for that. I realize the last post I wrote was on my last birthday. Baby Khloe was born in December of last year. She just turned 7 months a few weeks ago. Other than that all is the same. But I'm tired.....
I am physically tired, mentally tired and spiritually TIRED. Just being honest. It's 2:00 am and my entire household is up. Does that make me a bad mom? At this point I don't care. I am not writing this to sound pitiful or sad. These are my feelings at the moment, and yes I know feelings can deceive you. Well, honestly I have felt this way for a time now. I've been trying to ignore it. Be a "good Christian" and fight through but it's overwhelming. What would I say to a friend in my shoes?? Hold on friend..God's got you..LOL.
I am having trouble holding on, remembering that God's got me when there are so many other "evil things" going on in this world. I feel guilty because there are people dealing with so many other things...so many bad things that are out of their control and here I am whining.
I feel like getting out of God's way and trying this thing alone. Surely He has better things to do then bother with me...right?
I hear my friends encouraging me, I hear myself encouraging someone else in the same state. Why doesn't that help? I am TIRED of going around the same mountain which is myself, my pride, my own ambition, only to fall. I guess there is truth in the scripture Proverbs 16:18....wow pride really does come before the fall. Forgive me for even questioning God's Word but it happens. Sorry.
Well, maybe that's the little nugget of revelation I needed for this moment.
My friends are praying for me, they have encouraged me. I pray that little nugget of scripture helps you just as it did for me this very moment. Let's take it one day at a time. I feel myself getting overwhelmed with things to come, what ifs and so forth but I will take it one...day....at....a....time. I urge you to do the same.
I'm sorry this post was not very happy but I pray it shows how real I am. I hurt, I get TIRED, I get overwhelmed. I profess Jesus as Lord and all these things still happen. Joy will come back one day, sooner than later but it's up to me I know. I can choose Joy...
I can choose to be grateful. My good friend gave me some good advice. Journal your gratefulness. There is something to be grateful for....SOMETHING....we all have something. Find it, journal, thank God for it. Even if you feel defeated, worthless, needy and helpless find something. Even when you KNOW you should be doing better, have better, find something. Even when you are tired of reaching out for help when you should be the one helping, find something.
Well, goodnight or good-morning...God's got us....let's rest in that.
I didn't write this blog to make you feel sorry for me, I only wrote as a way to get these feelings out in hopes that someone, anyone....knows they are not alone. That's the one thing I CAN do when I feel like I have nothing to give after so much has been given to me. I don't want to be needy all my life, or be a taker all my life. I strive to be a giver in any and every way I can. God Bless you!
R- Relied on God